a new inspiration

I feel very blessed on this particular Mother's Day, not only because I have two beautiful and wonderful children who are my life BUT also because I had a total epiphany (spelling?) this morning as I was going for a jog with my daughter Emma who was on her bike.

She was riding ahead of me as I was jogging and I kept thinking "Why haven't we done this before?" She was so good, didn't complain, stayed on the side like I told her and we kept right up with each other and we felt great afterwards. I thought about that as we went along and I came to this conclusion or part of one anyway...this whole journey that I have been on for the last couple of years I always thought was just about me...me as an island. Yes I knew I needed support from family and friends but the weight loss and getting healthy was always about just me. Everybody else could eat and do what they wanted but I was the one who needed things to change. I think today I realized that was all bull#$%&. It's about everyone in my life, especially my chilren. What kind of mother and hypocrite I have been by preaching these things to myself and mean while my kids, Emma especially are suffering the consequences of my denial.

Let me tell you a bit about Emma. She is soooo much like me in so many ways...she loves to laugh and make people laugh. She is sensitive and empathetic to others. She cares deeply about her family and her friends. She adores animals and wants to be a vet when she grows up. She is so so smart...I'm not just saying that;) Unfortunately, she is also following in my footsteps as far as weight. I remember when I hit third grade, I just plumped right up and it never went away. Emma is in third grade right now and I have seen a steady increase in her weight for a few years now. I just put it in the back of my mind and kept telling myself that it was just baby fat and she would grow out of it or that as long as we didnt address it, it wasnt a problem. I have been so foolish.

I dont want Emma to go through what I did growing up. I am in a constant conflict with myself...on one hand I dont want her to suffer through those kinds of things and on the other hand, I feel I am the person I am today because of what I have endured. It just breaks my heart when she comes home and says that she is always picked last for kick ball or that she hates gym class.

She is a lot like me in so many ways but she is also her own person. She is so much stronger than I was at her age. Things dont seem to bother her the way they did me. She has a great group of friends that like her just the way she is. She is happy and confident. I dont know that I could ask for anything else but I now know that I need to share this journey with her so that when/if she comes to a place in her life she has it to look back on and knows what she can do and see that her mom fought the battle and won...this is what I am not just hoping will happen but will do what I can to MAKE it happen.